Post by Joel Wanasek on Apr 4, 2007 14:29:56 GMT -5
THE LAWS OF METAL
1) Everything can be broken down into Boolean: True or False
Examples:
-Blasting classical music in your car is true.
-Wearing leather pants at a show is false (unless you’re an 80s rocker)
-Amon Armoth is true.
-Nu metal is false.
-Waffle House is True
-Midgets are true
-Mr. T and the A-Team Van are True
-Officially changing your middle name to "Fucking" is true
2) Know the essential vocabulary and use it frequently or be dubbed false. Each word has general rules of usage and examples.
Obtain
- You don’t buy something at the store, you obtain it.
- You don’t get good tone on your amp, you obtain good tone.
- “Dude, I obtained a bad ass CD today.”
Administer
- You don’t play a Children of Bodom CD in your car, you administer it.
- The “play” button on your CD player needs to be changed to “administer” or you will be dubbed false.
- “Check out this new riff I wrote.” *administers riff*
Supreme (or Ultimate)
-Can be used interchangeably with “ultimate.” Supreme is used to describe something’s supremacy.
-RULE OF GRAMMAR: Once something is proclaimed supreme, then it is known as ultimate. You can not proclaim something ultimate, but you can proclaim it supreme.
-Today I obtained a badass CD. It was then administered it. The horns were upped. Then I proclaimed it supreme.
Penultimate
-2nd to ultimate (supreme) or almost ultimate
-“Check out this riff, I think it is penultimate to the chorus riff.”
Proclaim
-At all times you must be proclaiming things. (see above description of supreme)
Deem
-Deem is a supreme word. Example: I deem Limp Bizkit false.
Hail
-Upon greeting a fellow brother of metal you say “hail.” All other greetings are false. Upon greeting a fan of the band Manowar, say “Hail Kill Hail.”
Forge
- Metal is forged, not written.
Wield
- You don’t hold your guitar, you wield it.
Badass
- Badass is the most badass word in the metal vocabulary. Can also be interchanged with “bad as f*ck.”
- Any time that anything even remotely cool happens, you must proclaim it is bad ass.
- Example: Pissed off old ladies crossing the street with canes are bad ass!
- “I wrote a bad ass riff today.” “Dude, that is bad as f*ck!”
Cancelled
-Cancelled is true. It is done in conjunction with flexing. You can cancel anything that is false.
Rules of administration:
-If you see something false, flex your forearm and proclaim "cancelled."
Examples:
-You come home. Your little brother is blasting rap. You walk in to his room, punch him, flex, then say "cancelled," turn it off, and administer Children of Bodom. If he mouths off to you, proclaim him canceled, flex, and then proceed to beat his ass.
-You see a kid in a Limp Bizkit shirt walking down the street. Flex at said poseur and proclaim "cancelled."
Essential
-Anything that you can not live with out.
Example:
-You must print these rules and post them on your wall. This is essential
-It is essential that jamming takes place today
Slay
-To destroy or kill something or someone.
Example:
-Lamb of God would slay Britney Spears
Epic
-Self explainatory. Mostly used by power metal guys
Example:
-Naration in this song is so epic that I just gained 12,102 experiance points and leveled up to become a level 21 dark necromancer of the steel
3) Flexing of the forearm or triceps.
Everything in life can be solved by flexing your right forearm or triceps. Flexing the triceps is penultimate to flexing the forearm. When flexing make the sound “pfffffffffffffffffffff” with a cocky look on your face.
Examples:
- You are driving a car. Some old person cuts you off and drives slower than you. You honk and flex at them.
- Something bad ass happens. You proclaim it true and then flex.
- Someone in the grocery store looks at you funny, flex at them.
- Several times a day you must just randomly flex your triceps for no reason at someone.
- Every time you see a squirrel must flex at it.
- You live in Florida. A hurricane is coming. You flex at it. It is instantly owned and leaves you and Waffle House unphased.
4) Basic List of things that are True:
This is the essential list. Print it. Carry it in your pocket. When other’s question the trueness of something, administer this list.
- Waffle House
- Jamming
- Amps that go to 11
- Flexing
- Hot foreign girls with accents
- Metronomes and Scale Books
- Guns and Explosions - If you don't like guns & explosions, you are too much of a pussy to be deemed metal and are proclaimed false
5) The world's Truest drink is Roundy's Apple Juice.
6) \m/ is the universal text symbol for METAL.
1) Everything can be broken down into Boolean: True or False
Examples:
-Blasting classical music in your car is true.
-Wearing leather pants at a show is false (unless you’re an 80s rocker)
-Amon Armoth is true.
-Nu metal is false.
-Waffle House is True
-Midgets are true
-Mr. T and the A-Team Van are True
-Officially changing your middle name to "Fucking" is true
2) Know the essential vocabulary and use it frequently or be dubbed false. Each word has general rules of usage and examples.
Obtain
- You don’t buy something at the store, you obtain it.
- You don’t get good tone on your amp, you obtain good tone.
- “Dude, I obtained a bad ass CD today.”
Administer
- You don’t play a Children of Bodom CD in your car, you administer it.
- The “play” button on your CD player needs to be changed to “administer” or you will be dubbed false.
- “Check out this new riff I wrote.” *administers riff*
Supreme (or Ultimate)
-Can be used interchangeably with “ultimate.” Supreme is used to describe something’s supremacy.
-RULE OF GRAMMAR: Once something is proclaimed supreme, then it is known as ultimate. You can not proclaim something ultimate, but you can proclaim it supreme.
-Today I obtained a badass CD. It was then administered it. The horns were upped. Then I proclaimed it supreme.
Penultimate
-2nd to ultimate (supreme) or almost ultimate
-“Check out this riff, I think it is penultimate to the chorus riff.”
Proclaim
-At all times you must be proclaiming things. (see above description of supreme)
Deem
-Deem is a supreme word. Example: I deem Limp Bizkit false.
Hail
-Upon greeting a fellow brother of metal you say “hail.” All other greetings are false. Upon greeting a fan of the band Manowar, say “Hail Kill Hail.”
Forge
- Metal is forged, not written.
Wield
- You don’t hold your guitar, you wield it.
Badass
- Badass is the most badass word in the metal vocabulary. Can also be interchanged with “bad as f*ck.”
- Any time that anything even remotely cool happens, you must proclaim it is bad ass.
- Example: Pissed off old ladies crossing the street with canes are bad ass!
- “I wrote a bad ass riff today.” “Dude, that is bad as f*ck!”
Cancelled
-Cancelled is true. It is done in conjunction with flexing. You can cancel anything that is false.
Rules of administration:
-If you see something false, flex your forearm and proclaim "cancelled."
Examples:
-You come home. Your little brother is blasting rap. You walk in to his room, punch him, flex, then say "cancelled," turn it off, and administer Children of Bodom. If he mouths off to you, proclaim him canceled, flex, and then proceed to beat his ass.
-You see a kid in a Limp Bizkit shirt walking down the street. Flex at said poseur and proclaim "cancelled."
Essential
-Anything that you can not live with out.
Example:
-You must print these rules and post them on your wall. This is essential
-It is essential that jamming takes place today
Slay
-To destroy or kill something or someone.
Example:
-Lamb of God would slay Britney Spears
Epic
-Self explainatory. Mostly used by power metal guys
Example:
-Naration in this song is so epic that I just gained 12,102 experiance points and leveled up to become a level 21 dark necromancer of the steel
3) Flexing of the forearm or triceps.
Everything in life can be solved by flexing your right forearm or triceps. Flexing the triceps is penultimate to flexing the forearm. When flexing make the sound “pfffffffffffffffffffff” with a cocky look on your face.
Examples:
- You are driving a car. Some old person cuts you off and drives slower than you. You honk and flex at them.
- Something bad ass happens. You proclaim it true and then flex.
- Someone in the grocery store looks at you funny, flex at them.
- Several times a day you must just randomly flex your triceps for no reason at someone.
- Every time you see a squirrel must flex at it.
- You live in Florida. A hurricane is coming. You flex at it. It is instantly owned and leaves you and Waffle House unphased.
4) Basic List of things that are True:
This is the essential list. Print it. Carry it in your pocket. When other’s question the trueness of something, administer this list.
- Waffle House
- Jamming
- Amps that go to 11
- Flexing
- Hot foreign girls with accents
- Metronomes and Scale Books
- Guns and Explosions - If you don't like guns & explosions, you are too much of a pussy to be deemed metal and are proclaimed false
5) The world's Truest drink is Roundy's Apple Juice.
6) \m/ is the universal text symbol for METAL.